Same Same But Different
I changed my last name to Tugayli after getting married last summer. You can now find me at isabelletugayli.com and by email at isabelle@isabelletugayli.com.
I didn’t change my name because of old traditions or automatic patterns that a husband and wife make after getting married. In fact, there is a whole history and story as to why I wanted to change my name. I consider myself to be a feminist, so sharing the context behind my decision feels important in understanding who I am and some of my values as a coach and as a human in this world.
My mom remarried my amazing step dad (who has been like my dad since I was 4 years old). When she did, she took his name and we moved to Vancouver, Canada. I inherited an awesome extended step family, many of whom have the same last name. So what this meant is that I was a Hertz in a sea of a last name I did not share.
I have carried my bio father’s last name with me for 35 years. I don’t hate the last name Hertz but I don’t feel connected to it because of the lack of consistency and on and off relationship I have always had with my biological father. I guess ultimately he has been consistent with one thing: coming in and out of my life (ultimately his loss).
The fact that I had a different last name than my mom, dad and sister, has always made me feel on some level like I didn’t belong. I hated it as a child because we’d go on trips and I’d frequently get questioned at the border about my relationships to my mom, and my dad (I presume they wanted to ensure I wasn’t being held against my own will?). Every time, we would explain that we are a blended family.
Having this experience as part of my childhood made me realize how important it would be to me to change my name one day when and if I had the fortune of finding someone I wanted to spend my life with. So when I got engaged to my husband, I knew a name change would be in my future.
When I married my husband, and before changing my name, I asked him if he would have changed his name if I had been attached to my last name. He said he had no problem with it, and we even discussed a combined name! Neither herayli and tugertz sound very good though, so we decided to stick with his last name ;)
And here I am! Isabelle Tugayli.
Ultimately my decision is based on valuing: alignment, unity, family and belonging. I always belonged in my family, but I am very grateful to have the same last name as I feel it even more now.
What is your relationship to your last name?
